Having a random hookup so left but love u
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
