I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
last night I used snow as a chaser
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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