i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
