I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
