the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
