I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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