OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
