my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
