my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
