Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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