If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
