Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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