the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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