There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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