I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
