he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
