Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
