I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
