I think my fart just growled at me.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
