sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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