Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
