Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
