I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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