dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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