apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
