is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
