My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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