I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
