Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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