Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize