i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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