so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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