I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
