Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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