I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
