why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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