I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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