I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
