You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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