i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
