No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
