i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
