I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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