You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
