The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
