i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
