I smell stomach acid.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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