Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
