what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
