I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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