I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize