We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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