please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
