I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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