My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
