So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
