i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
