I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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