hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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