my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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