i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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