so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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