i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
